It is hard

When we are critized, we feel low. When we are praised, we feel good. That is normal. However, that cause suffering. Why would my mental state be affected by something that I cannot control? Really, nothing changed when we are critized or praised. It is our own mind that perceive the different. One minuue you are sad, another minute you are happen? Nothing change for real.

Understand this but still cannot get out of this suffering. I got praised today, I felt good about myself. I quickly realize that and told myself that there is really nothing be happy about. When condition change, it will dissolve. When there is good, there is bad. I should not be affected by how other think of me. Experience no gain nor loss. I am glad I am mindful of this.

What is left?

When we die, where do we go? Listened to a recording of someone who is dead. That person seem to be alive from the recording. At least part of her live. Her voice, her thoughts are all there in the recording. Did she really die? Her voice is there for us to hear. Her thought is there for us to understand. Both of voice and thoughts define part of who we are. If those are still there, it mean she did not die? She lives on.

We are defined by or physical appearance, our status, our relationship with other, our job and etc. All these changes. So, really who are we? If some of that remain after we die, does that mean we live on? Tough question. But for sure, we are not who we thought we are. It is worth pondering.

Experience

Today is a bit emotional for me. I am moving on from my job from the past 6 years. I am changing what I use to do for a significant part of my life. I am leaving the team I built and so dependent on. A sense of loss.

My job has come to define a good part of who am I. Director of software development, manage a sizable development team. Smart, capable, experienced, top performer are the attributes that come to mind. Of course the other most important part that define me is my family. A devoted husband, father of two wonderful boys that I love dearly. A good son, a helpful brother, a respectful uncle. That is me.

So, with me moving to a different job, am I a different person? Am I not Victor Tse anymore?

I have a small awakening through this experience. I am not I or other thought I am. Victor Tse is just a label that define the superficial side of me. It is impermanent. There is nothing solid to it. It change from moment to moment. What does this really mean?

Well, since it is just a label, not really a real part of me, there is really no gain or loss with the change. Things are just as it is. Can I bring that title to my grave? Can I bring that to next life? Seeing that, it is a lot easier to accepting changes, especially those that are perceived as negative.

Regress

Things we achieve or obtain is not permanent and subject to regression. There are people work hard their whole life, achieved success, and at old age fall back to where they begin. People own a lot of wealth and fall back to square one when condition changes. All material things, fame, wealth, relationships are impermanent and will regress. When condition come, it is together. When condition dissolve, it goes away.

So, one may ask, what is the point of working so hard if at the end it will not last?

I have been thinking about this for a long time. First, it is not the end that we treasure, it is the journey. Sure, our love ones will part us eventually, it is the journey that we care about. Second, things are impermanent. That is a fact. Accept it. Mastering our true mind transcend impermanence. It is our mind and it is there forever. Invest in the right thing.

Equanimity helps again

I was expecting for some kind words today after serving for many years. That is what I will do for others. It didn't come. It would have been satisfying if that happen. It is fine too if it does not. I want to practice controlling my ego anyway. It is fine just it is.

You see, having expectations for other is another form of desire. It leads to suffering. The core of equanimity is accepting things as they are, without blaming anything or anyone. That is so powerful. I find such freedom in this practice that otherwise would have turned me into a miserable person.

Being Mindful

Heard about this all the time but do not truly understanding it's meaning before. We all know desire is bad. However, we desire for things all the time. A few million dollars will change the way I live my life. That is desire that leads to unnecessary suffering. The key of being mindful is to be aware of the arising of such desire. Only if you are aware then you can counter it. Be mindful, be aware, notice what is happen moment to moment, that is the key. Aware that I am about to enter the wheel of suffering and get it off before it is too late.

The practice of equanimity continue to help me a great deal to get pass the transition phase of my career.

Anxiety

Anxiety about changes and want things to turn out the way I wanted. The desire for certainty. This is suffering. As simple as the certainty that the sun will rise tomorrow is not a sure thing. The recent earthquake in Japan is just a reminder of the impermanence of things. To desire for certainty is to suffer. Seeing that entice me to loose the desire a little bit. I get a little peace. A peace of mind to deal with changes without the anxiety. Things are fine as it is. Do my parts and let things happen. Not blaming anything or anyone, including myself. Yes, the last part is very important.

I am sure the ability to deal with small changes like this will help me to deal with bigger changes in life later. I learn to seize the moment and live at the present, without worrying what may comes that is not under my control, or blame anyone, including myself for what happen or not happen in the past.

Mudita - Turning Dirt into Gold

Mudita means sympathetic joy, finding joy in joy of others. In plain words, finding happiness in the happiness of others. For example, we cannot go to see the ball game because we have to work on Saturday. However, your co-work is going because he does not have work. Turning that envy into joy is what Mudita is all about. You are happy that your co-worker can go and you find happiness it in. It seems counter intuitive. But it is a great tool to counter envy and jealousy. Jealousy is like poison, it can consume us like a wild fire. It is yet another conditioning respond that we need to confront.

A past colleague is doing very well in his career. He was behind me and now is way ahead. No doubt, I envy him and jealous as well. Why it wasn't be? Don't I deserve it? Why the right condition didn't happen to me? I also started to blame myself for this and that I didn't do or should have done. This can pretty quick turn into bitterness, self destruction, depression which all lead to poor decision makings. These are all not necessary and counter productive. The colleague must have done something right that all the condition come together for him to reach his new high in career. Mudita. I should feel happy for him that finally his efforts get notice and he is able to reach the high point of his career. I am glad his is doing well. It is not a zero sum game. His gain is not my loss. I truly find happiness in the happiness of his success.

This is profound. I turned jealousy into joy. I turn anguish into joy. I turn ignorance into wisdom. I am a happy person. I can make sound decisions which make conditions come together for my success. I turn dirt into gold!

Letting Go

If you let go a little, you gain little peace. If you let go a lots, you gain a lot of peace. If you let go completely, you are free.

It is counter intuitive from the worldly view. Why would you want to let go of the good stuff? Isn't life about holding on to the good things. Gardafi won't step down even on the brink of collapse and destruction. Many examples you can find around you.

The desire to holding onto fame, power and wealth make you suffer. The desire for predicability and certainty make you suffer. Even Bill Gate did not stay as the richest man forever. Someone else take that place. It is also about impermance. Things come together as condition arise. Things fall apart as conditions dissolve. Trying to control the uncontrollable is sure thing for suffering.

Seeing that holding on to desire cause suffering, it entice me to let go a little. I want to have power at work. Moving up the chain. Who else does not want that? I want to be VP, CEO. Yeah, that comes with power and fame. I want it badly. Seeing other achieve it make me jealous as well. This is all source of suffering. Let go a bit and I feel relieved. Some colleagues are sharing my responsibilities. Yes, it take away my power, I should be upset as I do not desire that to happen. Seeing that cause suffering, I let go a bit. I feel better. In fact, I also feel better because the heavy burden come with power is lessen.

Let go, but do not give up. Only work on the things we have controlmof. Otherwise, I will sure be disappointed and suffer. This can apply to other part of my life. Let go a little, gain a little peace. That is what it is.

Equanimity

Equanimity means accepting things as it is, without blaming anything or anyone, include ourselves. It is not indifferent which is another type of aversion.

I am going to loss the team I built and worked with for the past few years due to re-organization. My work is going to change. That is OK. It was a good run and and enjoyed it. I cannot control the pending change. I could learn new things in the new job, get better satisfaction and help the organization in different ways. That is all good just as it is. I accept the change without resentment, not blaming my boss or myself. It is all good. Perfect excuse to try something new. Yes, that is how I feel. This is equanimity. I am not indifferent, I care and accept it.

Mental Model

I have this mental model of a wheel circling around. There are fire at all the spot except there is a small gap where there is no fire and you can jump off the wheel. It is kind of like a computer game where it test your skills to avoid the obstacle. Mario comes to mind. If you miss the gap that jump off the wheel, you enter into the wheel of suffering with fire that will burn you badly.

When I am about to get into any aversion, I picture this and tell myself that the gap is right here, get off the wheel of suffering or else. Useful tool.