I am the master of my happiness

We cannot control what will happen to us and how other will behave toward us. One day, you could get warming interaction with other, another day, hostile interaction comes you way. A seemingly rude email, un-called for finger pointing or even bullying. It is easy to get upset and have our blood pressure shoot through the roof and get all tense. It may ruin our day. This is so unpleasant.

It does not need to be that way. My happiness is totally under my control as long as I can look at the things I cannot control in a different way. The rude email may have merit or may not. It is not directly at me. Who am I anyway? It is the ego at work. The person may or may not try to hurt your feeling or get back at you so they feel better. Let's them be. As Buddha said "if a person does not accept the gift, the gift belongs back to the giver". Same apply here. Don't accept it. Otherwise, it fall into that the other people wanted, to hurt your feeling or whatever way to harm you. A couple simple step when we are in these situation:

1) Recall Buddha's teaching about the "gift". Say to yourself, I don't accept it, now it belong back to the sender.
2) Feel a sense of accomplishment that you have help the other person to vent or make them feel better, at no cost to you. In fact, it provide a way for you to practice.
3) Feel compassion of the offender that the person is trapped in anger and ignorance.
4) Don't let revenge over power you. It is the worst that could happen.

That is all. I am the master of my happiness.

We make it up! Like child's play.

At work, we are driven by mandates from the big boss. Got to get the bug count to zero by this Friday. Got to resolve all the violations and pass all the tests by this weekend. All these translate into actions and drive people's schedule, mental state, stress level and even family life. Got to work this weekend to make the deliverables. This constructs the world we live in, affect the world of people around us, we are boxed in.

It is clear this is just someone's mandate that construct the reality that we perceived. Have he in a different mode, we may not have the weekend deadline. This is all make up, for reason, of course. The point is, every other thing we know are make up like this. The upcoming holiday, we feel happy, it is make up in my mind. Why December is special? If you like, you can make July feel like Christmas. Why passing of a relative make us sad? Sure, we can be with them anymore. But do we really understanding the truth of someone passing away? Is our feeling the same conditioned one like Christmas in December?

Why should you feel mad when someone honk at you for no good reason? Why should you feel stressed with the tight deadline that need you to work weekend? It is all make up, by ourselves or others. There is no inherent truth to this. That being said, we still have to live in this worldly world and operate. How do you face such challenges? Well, as long as you understanding that as long as you have tried your best with best intention, whatever happen or come your way will be ok. Everything is just as fine as it is, even adversity comes, accept it.

Zen Presentation

Interesting book. Some good points even the book itself is not present very well. Zen, it's application to presentation. There must be more areas that Zen is applicable. Idea for writing a book? May be:)

Presentsion cannot be by ppt itself. It is a combination of ppt and the delivery by you. So, the ppt should only have enough content to attract audience's attention, not clamped with all the detail. If not, it is just the ppt is enough, we don't need you for the delivery. Memorable picture with few word is a good one. The detail comes from your delivery.

Keep it simple. No transition, no flip, no flash, just plain and simple to focus on the message without any unnecessary distraction.

It is not just the fact. Presentation conveys insights. It unleashes pattern between relationship and makes it obvious to the audiences. If you cannot explain complex topic in a simple form, you don't understand the topic well enough yet.

It is not the software. It is the content.

Think about death everyday

Steve Jobs said if you realize you are going to die, you know that there is nothing to lose. You are already naked. I agree with that. So often we care about how others will think of us. The expectation of others drive our actions. Is that really want we want to do with our lives?

If we drive a new flashy car, people will envy us and we feel good. How often do this drive our buying decision? Yes, we are social animal and look for validation of others. But we are going to die anyway, will that matter? I should ask myself every time when I face a decision. Is this decision influenced by how other will perceived of me? Am I doing what I think is right?

This Moment

It was a beautiful ride before sunset. I sat at the bench, observing the tranquil setting of the bay. Water flow slowly from the bay leading inward to a lagoon. Soft wind sway the golden grass in the wetland. A group of seagull flew by peacefully. The water is blue, the sky is clear, the wind is pleasing, the quietness is just what I would call a perfect setting for relaxation.

I am in the moment, absorbed deeply at the current moment. I felt this before. When I am really into what is happening at the moment, whether iit is about work, leisure of even chores, the feeling is hard to described but felt satisfying. Yes, cycling is one of them. Especially on a long ride. The focus on the moment, the care free setting, there is very little other thoughts or worry.

I was reflecting. This is a million dollar view. Being able to enjoy this is a privilege. Isn't this what I want went I retired and become financially secured. Probably in another 10 years. But wait, why do I have to wait. Isn't all here right before my eyes. Sure, I still have to go to work tomorrow. However, why can't I feel the satisfaction as if I am retired and financially secured right now. What is the difference? In fact, even for someone that have to worry about where their food will come today can enjoy the same satisfaction of the setting at that very moment. I realize that the difference is make up in our own mind or dilution. We are what we think, it is so true. We bring all the suffering and worry to ourselves. There is no one to blame.

Expectation of others

I was expecting so kind words after years of distinguish service. I was expecting sincere appreciation and well wishes after being a good boss and mentor of others. Some came and some didn't. I was disappointed, but not bitter.

Having expectation on others is suffering. This is like trying to control something that is out of your control. I realize that just do your part, the area within your control and let it happen. If it come, great. If it does not come, that is fine too. In this case, I would say if the appreciation does not come, I won't be upset, I need to practice being humble anyway. So, without that expectation, I won't suffer. Really, nothing really change with or without the appreciation.

In often see parent that have high expectation for their children suffer. However, this does not mean we do not help and push our children to do their best. We should. However, just do the best we can and let the result land where it may. We have done the part we have control of and let the expectation go.

Letting go

If you let go a little, you get a little peace. If you let go a lot, you get a lot of peace. If you let go completely, your struggle with this world come to an end.

I can understand this intellectually. Putting this into practice is another matter. We want financial security. We want that promotion. We want to take care of our family. We want to send our kids to ivy league college. These are all wants and how do we let go.

Every big change start with small steps. I can not let go of these big things right away. I need financial security and maintain current level of living standard. However, I can let go of other things that is easier. I can let go of anger by being mindful and jump off the wheel of suffering before it is too late. I can let go of jealousy by practicing mudita (finding joy in joy of others). I can practice equiminity and be at peace at every situation. That is a start.

It is hard

When we are critized, we feel low. When we are praised, we feel good. That is normal. However, that cause suffering. Why would my mental state be affected by something that I cannot control? Really, nothing changed when we are critized or praised. It is our own mind that perceive the different. One minuue you are sad, another minute you are happen? Nothing change for real.

Understand this but still cannot get out of this suffering. I got praised today, I felt good about myself. I quickly realize that and told myself that there is really nothing be happy about. When condition change, it will dissolve. When there is good, there is bad. I should not be affected by how other think of me. Experience no gain nor loss. I am glad I am mindful of this.

What is left?

When we die, where do we go? Listened to a recording of someone who is dead. That person seem to be alive from the recording. At least part of her live. Her voice, her thoughts are all there in the recording. Did she really die? Her voice is there for us to hear. Her thought is there for us to understand. Both of voice and thoughts define part of who we are. If those are still there, it mean she did not die? She lives on.

We are defined by or physical appearance, our status, our relationship with other, our job and etc. All these changes. So, really who are we? If some of that remain after we die, does that mean we live on? Tough question. But for sure, we are not who we thought we are. It is worth pondering.

Experience

Today is a bit emotional for me. I am moving on from my job from the past 6 years. I am changing what I use to do for a significant part of my life. I am leaving the team I built and so dependent on. A sense of loss.

My job has come to define a good part of who am I. Director of software development, manage a sizable development team. Smart, capable, experienced, top performer are the attributes that come to mind. Of course the other most important part that define me is my family. A devoted husband, father of two wonderful boys that I love dearly. A good son, a helpful brother, a respectful uncle. That is me.

So, with me moving to a different job, am I a different person? Am I not Victor Tse anymore?

I have a small awakening through this experience. I am not I or other thought I am. Victor Tse is just a label that define the superficial side of me. It is impermanent. There is nothing solid to it. It change from moment to moment. What does this really mean?

Well, since it is just a label, not really a real part of me, there is really no gain or loss with the change. Things are just as it is. Can I bring that title to my grave? Can I bring that to next life? Seeing that, it is a lot easier to accepting changes, especially those that are perceived as negative.

Regress

Things we achieve or obtain is not permanent and subject to regression. There are people work hard their whole life, achieved success, and at old age fall back to where they begin. People own a lot of wealth and fall back to square one when condition changes. All material things, fame, wealth, relationships are impermanent and will regress. When condition come, it is together. When condition dissolve, it goes away.

So, one may ask, what is the point of working so hard if at the end it will not last?

I have been thinking about this for a long time. First, it is not the end that we treasure, it is the journey. Sure, our love ones will part us eventually, it is the journey that we care about. Second, things are impermanent. That is a fact. Accept it. Mastering our true mind transcend impermanence. It is our mind and it is there forever. Invest in the right thing.

Equanimity helps again

I was expecting for some kind words today after serving for many years. That is what I will do for others. It didn't come. It would have been satisfying if that happen. It is fine too if it does not. I want to practice controlling my ego anyway. It is fine just it is.

You see, having expectations for other is another form of desire. It leads to suffering. The core of equanimity is accepting things as they are, without blaming anything or anyone. That is so powerful. I find such freedom in this practice that otherwise would have turned me into a miserable person.

Being Mindful

Heard about this all the time but do not truly understanding it's meaning before. We all know desire is bad. However, we desire for things all the time. A few million dollars will change the way I live my life. That is desire that leads to unnecessary suffering. The key of being mindful is to be aware of the arising of such desire. Only if you are aware then you can counter it. Be mindful, be aware, notice what is happen moment to moment, that is the key. Aware that I am about to enter the wheel of suffering and get it off before it is too late.

The practice of equanimity continue to help me a great deal to get pass the transition phase of my career.

Anxiety

Anxiety about changes and want things to turn out the way I wanted. The desire for certainty. This is suffering. As simple as the certainty that the sun will rise tomorrow is not a sure thing. The recent earthquake in Japan is just a reminder of the impermanence of things. To desire for certainty is to suffer. Seeing that entice me to loose the desire a little bit. I get a little peace. A peace of mind to deal with changes without the anxiety. Things are fine as it is. Do my parts and let things happen. Not blaming anything or anyone, including myself. Yes, the last part is very important.

I am sure the ability to deal with small changes like this will help me to deal with bigger changes in life later. I learn to seize the moment and live at the present, without worrying what may comes that is not under my control, or blame anyone, including myself for what happen or not happen in the past.

Mudita - Turning Dirt into Gold

Mudita means sympathetic joy, finding joy in joy of others. In plain words, finding happiness in the happiness of others. For example, we cannot go to see the ball game because we have to work on Saturday. However, your co-work is going because he does not have work. Turning that envy into joy is what Mudita is all about. You are happy that your co-worker can go and you find happiness it in. It seems counter intuitive. But it is a great tool to counter envy and jealousy. Jealousy is like poison, it can consume us like a wild fire. It is yet another conditioning respond that we need to confront.

A past colleague is doing very well in his career. He was behind me and now is way ahead. No doubt, I envy him and jealous as well. Why it wasn't be? Don't I deserve it? Why the right condition didn't happen to me? I also started to blame myself for this and that I didn't do or should have done. This can pretty quick turn into bitterness, self destruction, depression which all lead to poor decision makings. These are all not necessary and counter productive. The colleague must have done something right that all the condition come together for him to reach his new high in career. Mudita. I should feel happy for him that finally his efforts get notice and he is able to reach the high point of his career. I am glad his is doing well. It is not a zero sum game. His gain is not my loss. I truly find happiness in the happiness of his success.

This is profound. I turned jealousy into joy. I turn anguish into joy. I turn ignorance into wisdom. I am a happy person. I can make sound decisions which make conditions come together for my success. I turn dirt into gold!

Letting Go

If you let go a little, you gain little peace. If you let go a lots, you gain a lot of peace. If you let go completely, you are free.

It is counter intuitive from the worldly view. Why would you want to let go of the good stuff? Isn't life about holding on to the good things. Gardafi won't step down even on the brink of collapse and destruction. Many examples you can find around you.

The desire to holding onto fame, power and wealth make you suffer. The desire for predicability and certainty make you suffer. Even Bill Gate did not stay as the richest man forever. Someone else take that place. It is also about impermance. Things come together as condition arise. Things fall apart as conditions dissolve. Trying to control the uncontrollable is sure thing for suffering.

Seeing that holding on to desire cause suffering, it entice me to let go a little. I want to have power at work. Moving up the chain. Who else does not want that? I want to be VP, CEO. Yeah, that comes with power and fame. I want it badly. Seeing other achieve it make me jealous as well. This is all source of suffering. Let go a bit and I feel relieved. Some colleagues are sharing my responsibilities. Yes, it take away my power, I should be upset as I do not desire that to happen. Seeing that cause suffering, I let go a bit. I feel better. In fact, I also feel better because the heavy burden come with power is lessen.

Let go, but do not give up. Only work on the things we have controlmof. Otherwise, I will sure be disappointed and suffer. This can apply to other part of my life. Let go a little, gain a little peace. That is what it is.

Equanimity

Equanimity means accepting things as it is, without blaming anything or anyone, include ourselves. It is not indifferent which is another type of aversion.

I am going to loss the team I built and worked with for the past few years due to re-organization. My work is going to change. That is OK. It was a good run and and enjoyed it. I cannot control the pending change. I could learn new things in the new job, get better satisfaction and help the organization in different ways. That is all good just as it is. I accept the change without resentment, not blaming my boss or myself. It is all good. Perfect excuse to try something new. Yes, that is how I feel. This is equanimity. I am not indifferent, I care and accept it.

Mental Model

I have this mental model of a wheel circling around. There are fire at all the spot except there is a small gap where there is no fire and you can jump off the wheel. It is kind of like a computer game where it test your skills to avoid the obstacle. Mario comes to mind. If you miss the gap that jump off the wheel, you enter into the wheel of suffering with fire that will burn you badly.

When I am about to get into any aversion, I picture this and tell myself that the gap is right here, get off the wheel of suffering or else. Useful tool.

Hard Wired

Our response to pleasant, unpleasant and neutral experience are very much hard wired. Eating good food, pleasant. Being criticized or getting sick, unpleasant. It sounds so natural. If we feel otherwise, that must be close to insanity!

Not being appreciated for good work, I felt resentment and aversion. This made me upset and turn into a cranky person that cannot make sound judgement. The outcome is suffering, not what we want but we get ourselves into this. Before the resentment feeling set in, I have a chance to control how I feel and get out from this wheel of suffering. Recognize this is unpleasant. Leave it at that and don't own the experience. Say to myself, I am glad that I have the opportunity do the work and I am satisfy with it. Hence I avoided turning into an angry person, suffer, make poor judgement and suffer more. I control my own experience. My very awaring mind can re-do the wiring and get out of the wheel of suffering before it happen.

Extend this to larger context and by the same logic, I can get out of the wheel of samasa by not getting into desire or aversion. I think this is related to the 12 links of dependent origination. I think it is a good start of my understanding.

Being mindful means we catch these moments and do the right thing. Understanding is one thing, being mindful and do the right thing take lot and lot of practice. Now, I understand what is being mindful mean. Being aware of the moment and avoid falling into the suffering trap. Being mindful mean being aware that I am able to be reborn into a cranky and resentful person and get out of that being it grab me.

Changes

Changes are the only constant and sure thing in life. It is a catchy phrase but we all learned that is true. Of course, we attach to things that bring us pleasure, satisfaction and pride. This kinds of attachment make changes painful and bring suffering. Embrace change. Things are just fine as it is. Experience no gain nor loss when changes, either with desire or aversion.

Split Second

I can't get enough of reading and re-reading of the book "how to be sick". So much wisdom coming from author's personal experience.

The split second between the experience of an unpleasant encounter and the negative reaction to it, there is a way out of suffering. We can acknowledge the unpleasant experience and just leave it at that. Treat it as just hundreds of such unpleasant moments that will come and go. We cannot avoid the experience, getting yelled at, will no doubt be unpleasant. We can acknowledge it and not react negatively. Before we know it, we have moved on to one of the thousands of contact in a day. Why linger with hard feeling or even plot for revenge?

This is a profound realization. I understand and even able to practice this in some occasions. However, I find this hard to master. Just think about how many times I get upset in a day, I know I have way to go. I shall see the obstacles coming my way are chances for me to practice.

Today I was engaging in a conversation and thought I was being snapped it. I reacted and raised my voice. I missed the split second and suffered mentally. I realized that a few seconds later and made amend to the conversation. I shall catch all these situations and note them done.

Nothing Changes For Real

Things not quite happened my way at work today. There are a lot of reasons to be upset, at others and myself. Well, it is practice time for Zen. Heard quite a few stories of others. Nothing does better than my own experience. I have a small awakening. It seems some of my responsibilities are being taken away. Well, look at it the other way, I am getting help. I should be grateful instead of feeling dissatisfied. I can choose to be upset, or I can choose to be thankful. It is all my mental construct. Nothing really change either way I choose to react. Observation: our feeling are entirely base on our thoughts, there is no solid substance to it. We can extend this to other things. Our thoughts form our experience, our habit and our identification (false self). In actuality, there is nothing real to it. If we can see through this, we can relief mental suffering which is a far greater dukka than physical pain.

A quote from a sutra come to mind that summed up this awakening nicely.
"Experience neither gain nor loss".

Walk the Walk

I was reminded of a recent incident where I was making judgement and being insensitive. That is true. It is worthy of a reflection.

First about making judgement. I think we should always make observation and not judgement. When we judge, we are seeing things as right or wrong, black or white, from our own point of view. Judgement hurts others where observation does not.

I would be considered an educated person with 3 degrees under my belt. However, I don't really feel that way until I get into Buddhism where I felt really getting an education. People always equate level of education to virtuous behavior. Especially in Chinese culture, people value very highly of educated person, as if they are saint and understand the right from wrong. This may be due to the historical reason. In the old day, educated people learn Confucius idea which encompass a lot of moral education and how to be a good person. Today education emphasis mostly on knowledge acquisition. A highly educated person know a lot of things but not necessary know how to be a virtuous person. It is also important that people put into practice of what they learn. Walk the walk and talk the talk. You haven't learn anything unless you put them into practice.

Flower and Garbage

Rachael bought some really beautiful flowers yesterday. Within a week, those beautiful flowers will be in the compost bin. The compost will be used to grow new flowers. It gets me thinking. Am I looking at beautiful flowers or garbage? They are just manifestation of the same things base on conditions. One is not different than the other. Of course, there are other ingredients that make this happen, such as water, sunlight, soil and etc. You see the flower, you see the compost, you see the sunlight, you see the water ...

That kinds of answer the age old question: does the egg or chicken come first? Well they are the same thing. The egg is within the chicken and the chicken is within the egg. If they are the same, there is no question of which come first.

Does the rain come first of the cloud come first? Well again, they are the same thing with different manifestation base on condition. I guess with this reasoning and seeing all things are connected in some way, we can answer ANY what come first question. Clever, isn't it?

Heart Sutra

I learned the English version of the "Heart Surtra" first. The Sutra is very dense and contains very deep insights. Without detail explanation from a good teacher, it is hard to get the teaching. Over time, I improve my understanding bit by bit. The concept of "emptiness" threw my off and I set off to read books on this topic. At one level, emptiness means all things exist base on the right conditions and does not have it's independent nature. I tried learn the Chinese version of it and have many false start. First, I don't even know all the words, how to pronounce and let alone the meaning. My son got me through the pronunciation. He can recited the Sutra in Chinese fluently. I am working on memorizing the Sutra by copying it everyday. It is a short Sutra. This is the technique we use in grade school. Learn by repetition. It works. Knowing the English version and then the Chinese version, I have an easier time to under the Sutra in Chinese. The Dharma master did the translation in English already layout the meaning in a more plain and simple fashion. Reading the Chinese version help to re-enforce the understanding. I also come to appreciate the Chines version more, once I get pass learning the new words. It is so concise and beautifully written. It is like Chinese tea, come in small vacuum packed package but transform to great and complex aroma when you brew it. It is timeless treasure that once I learned it, it is mine, no one can take away from me. I hope I will have profound realization to come from this precious Sutra.

Meditation on a Hectic Day

It was a crazy day at work. So many different priorities. What seems frustrating is that most are busy works that produce no actual results. One could get really frustrated about this. I practiced patient. Take 1 thing at a time.

Went for a 10 miles solo bike ride after I got home. I felt great physically after the ride. It also helped to clear my mind. I find biking a good form of meditation. Most of the muddy thoughts in my mind settled when I ride my bike.

I did sitting meditation for 30 min as well. Haven't been doing it for a while. The first 10 minutes were really a struggle. My mind raced from 1 thing to another. My back was not comfortable. Neck was tired. Really wanted to give up and longed for the timer to sound. Probably after 15 min or so, I experienced sudden change. My mind became calm. My body relaxed. I felt the peace within. Now I wished the timer will never set off that may throw me off this state. Here I am. With nothing to do. Nothing to achieve. Just observe and experience my presence, the vast spacious of time and space. Hard to described but it felt like a breakthrough. I have a few of this experiences in prior meditation before. However, it is hard to replicate. Near the end, I slowly straighten up my back. I felt my body I never experienced before. I felt and almost visualized the movement of my spine, hip and joints. The sensation is hard to describe. Not sure what it was. Will see if this can be replicated. At the end, my feet were numbed. I have ways to go if I want to meditate for an hour or two without interruption.

The Joke Is On Us

Shared this story and reflection with my family last night. A man with nothing to do in an afternoon suddenly remember that someone across town owe him $2. He spent $6 round trip transportation cost empty handed with his debtor not home. My boys immediately found this illogical for someone to spent $6 to recover $2. There is something wrong with this guy. He must be stupid or something. Indeed, this does not make sense. Anyone with grade level education can figure this out. However, in real life, we fall into this kind of illogical traps many times. Most things in life cannot be easily expressed in absolute dollars amount for it's cause and benefit. It takes wisdom to look deep.

Here is an example. In a congested traffic, someone switched lane every few seconds to get to the lane that seem to go faster. At the end, he is probably 100 feet or so ahead due to his cleverness. Is it worth it? He may think, I am spending my time driving anyway, why not get ahead even by 100 feet. Has he consider that do so may increase the chance of accident, not to mention the certain increase in fuel cost? Do you think he spent $6 to recover $2 in this case? I think so.

There is a saying in Chinese "Man live to Eat". As if the main if not the sole purpose of a man's life is to eat all the good food in this world. After all, we only live once why not treat ourselves the best the world has to offer, pork chop, giant lobster, roasted duck, ... The benefit is the few minutes of our taste buds sensation. It sure feels satisfying for that 15 or so minutes. What is the cost? Well, I can afford it with my salary, no problem. Really? What about the hidden cost to your health? The obesity, the high blood pressure, heart disease and etc. Does it worth to have open heart pass-by surgery for satisfying your taste buds? I have no doubt there will be die-hard food lovers that will say yes. But, view the video of the surgery and what it does to your body may change your mind. Animals have to die for us to satisfy our taste buds. My boys recognized that this create bad karma. In one way or the other, we are going to pay for it with interest. Go look at the slaughter house, try to do it yourself, will you still insist on feasting on the animals? The cost of raising those animals consume so much food resources as feeds that could otherwise use to feed hungry people. Are we seeing those hidden costs? Are we spending $1000 to get $2 here?

The joke is really on us.

Different Angles

Took pictures of beautiful flowers that I put in a vase today. I tried taking the picture from different angles. From the side, from the top, slightly slanted, different background and different light exposures. Every picture looks different in some way. Those that are taken from the top view cannot tell they are the same flowers from the side view. I picked out the best shot which is taken from looking down on the flowers.

Same flowers look very different from different perspectives. It is the same that different people have different opinions on issues. Everyone is right from their perspective. There does not need to be just one right answer. It is not just black and white. I am right and you are wrong or vice versa. Our minds should be open and accept new ideas and respect others point of views. What we see is just one side of the view, far from the true nature of things. We need to look deeper into things with an open mind to truly understand.

By the way, the reason why the picture taken from the top look the best is because it is an unusual way that people look at flowers in a vase. People usually look at it at the eye level from the side. The different and unusual view makes the picture look more interesting. We can sure apply this observation in other things in life.