This Moment

It was a beautiful ride before sunset. I sat at the bench, observing the tranquil setting of the bay. Water flow slowly from the bay leading inward to a lagoon. Soft wind sway the golden grass in the wetland. A group of seagull flew by peacefully. The water is blue, the sky is clear, the wind is pleasing, the quietness is just what I would call a perfect setting for relaxation.

I am in the moment, absorbed deeply at the current moment. I felt this before. When I am really into what is happening at the moment, whether iit is about work, leisure of even chores, the feeling is hard to described but felt satisfying. Yes, cycling is one of them. Especially on a long ride. The focus on the moment, the care free setting, there is very little other thoughts or worry.

I was reflecting. This is a million dollar view. Being able to enjoy this is a privilege. Isn't this what I want went I retired and become financially secured. Probably in another 10 years. But wait, why do I have to wait. Isn't all here right before my eyes. Sure, I still have to go to work tomorrow. However, why can't I feel the satisfaction as if I am retired and financially secured right now. What is the difference? In fact, even for someone that have to worry about where their food will come today can enjoy the same satisfaction of the setting at that very moment. I realize that the difference is make up in our own mind or dilution. We are what we think, it is so true. We bring all the suffering and worry to ourselves. There is no one to blame.

Expectation of others

I was expecting so kind words after years of distinguish service. I was expecting sincere appreciation and well wishes after being a good boss and mentor of others. Some came and some didn't. I was disappointed, but not bitter.

Having expectation on others is suffering. This is like trying to control something that is out of your control. I realize that just do your part, the area within your control and let it happen. If it come, great. If it does not come, that is fine too. In this case, I would say if the appreciation does not come, I won't be upset, I need to practice being humble anyway. So, without that expectation, I won't suffer. Really, nothing really change with or without the appreciation.

In often see parent that have high expectation for their children suffer. However, this does not mean we do not help and push our children to do their best. We should. However, just do the best we can and let the result land where it may. We have done the part we have control of and let the expectation go.

Letting go

If you let go a little, you get a little peace. If you let go a lot, you get a lot of peace. If you let go completely, your struggle with this world come to an end.

I can understand this intellectually. Putting this into practice is another matter. We want financial security. We want that promotion. We want to take care of our family. We want to send our kids to ivy league college. These are all wants and how do we let go.

Every big change start with small steps. I can not let go of these big things right away. I need financial security and maintain current level of living standard. However, I can let go of other things that is easier. I can let go of anger by being mindful and jump off the wheel of suffering before it is too late. I can let go of jealousy by practicing mudita (finding joy in joy of others). I can practice equiminity and be at peace at every situation. That is a start.

It is hard

When we are critized, we feel low. When we are praised, we feel good. That is normal. However, that cause suffering. Why would my mental state be affected by something that I cannot control? Really, nothing changed when we are critized or praised. It is our own mind that perceive the different. One minuue you are sad, another minute you are happen? Nothing change for real.

Understand this but still cannot get out of this suffering. I got praised today, I felt good about myself. I quickly realize that and told myself that there is really nothing be happy about. When condition change, it will dissolve. When there is good, there is bad. I should not be affected by how other think of me. Experience no gain nor loss. I am glad I am mindful of this.

What is left?

When we die, where do we go? Listened to a recording of someone who is dead. That person seem to be alive from the recording. At least part of her live. Her voice, her thoughts are all there in the recording. Did she really die? Her voice is there for us to hear. Her thought is there for us to understand. Both of voice and thoughts define part of who we are. If those are still there, it mean she did not die? She lives on.

We are defined by or physical appearance, our status, our relationship with other, our job and etc. All these changes. So, really who are we? If some of that remain after we die, does that mean we live on? Tough question. But for sure, we are not who we thought we are. It is worth pondering.

Experience

Today is a bit emotional for me. I am moving on from my job from the past 6 years. I am changing what I use to do for a significant part of my life. I am leaving the team I built and so dependent on. A sense of loss.

My job has come to define a good part of who am I. Director of software development, manage a sizable development team. Smart, capable, experienced, top performer are the attributes that come to mind. Of course the other most important part that define me is my family. A devoted husband, father of two wonderful boys that I love dearly. A good son, a helpful brother, a respectful uncle. That is me.

So, with me moving to a different job, am I a different person? Am I not Victor Tse anymore?

I have a small awakening through this experience. I am not I or other thought I am. Victor Tse is just a label that define the superficial side of me. It is impermanent. There is nothing solid to it. It change from moment to moment. What does this really mean?

Well, since it is just a label, not really a real part of me, there is really no gain or loss with the change. Things are just as it is. Can I bring that title to my grave? Can I bring that to next life? Seeing that, it is a lot easier to accepting changes, especially those that are perceived as negative.

Regress

Things we achieve or obtain is not permanent and subject to regression. There are people work hard their whole life, achieved success, and at old age fall back to where they begin. People own a lot of wealth and fall back to square one when condition changes. All material things, fame, wealth, relationships are impermanent and will regress. When condition come, it is together. When condition dissolve, it goes away.

So, one may ask, what is the point of working so hard if at the end it will not last?

I have been thinking about this for a long time. First, it is not the end that we treasure, it is the journey. Sure, our love ones will part us eventually, it is the journey that we care about. Second, things are impermanent. That is a fact. Accept it. Mastering our true mind transcend impermanence. It is our mind and it is there forever. Invest in the right thing.